Jokes

“Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said a teacher. The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.”
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked. “Sure,” said the young boy confidently. “It means carrying a child.”

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I’m not saying our new receptionist is dumb, but this is how she filled out her insurance forms:

Date of Birth: January 12, 1978

Weight: 6 pounds, 10 ounces

Height: 20 inches
 
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Despite very little effort on his part, my son Martin had done quite well in third grade. One night he announced over dinner that his friend Robert was the smartest in class and had gotten all A’s on his report card. Hoping that my son would realize how some more effort would produce similar results:

I said, “What would you have to do to be the smartest in the class?”

After some thought, Martin replied, “Get rid of Robert?”
 
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While leading activities for seniors at a nursing home, I asked my group to complete well-known phrases. For example, I would prompt them with, “better safe” to which they would respond, “than sorry.” The game proceeded as expected until I got to the phrase “Make love, not war.” I had barely gotten out the first two words when a ninety-year- old woman shouted from the back, “while you can!”
 
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“Jury Duty”

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?

Juror: I don’t want to be away from my job that long.

Judge: Can’t they do without you at work?

Juror: Yes, but I don’t want them to know it.
 
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A woman visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the Tarot reader delivered the bad news: “There is no easy way to say this so I’ll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent death this year.”

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.

She met the Tarot reader’s gaze, steadied her voice and asked, “Will I get away with it?”